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The Official X-Rated Animal Jokebook

The Official X Rated Animal Jokebook


Why doesn't Smokey Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel. A lady brings her Schnauzer to the vets. The receptionist asks her what's wrong with the dog. The lady shows her the dog's ear, which has an ingrown hair. "I'll save you some money," says the receptionist. "Just go down to the drug store and get some hair remover and rub it on the dog's ear. You won't need to see the doctor." "Thanks." She goes to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Do you have hair remover?" "What kind, lotion or spray?" "What's the difference?" "You use the lotion for armpits. Rub it on and wait five minutes. Rub it off. But don't wear anything tight-fitting for a day." "It's not for my armpits." "Then use the spray for your legs. Spray it on. Wait. Wash it off. But don't wear nylons for a day." "It's not for my legs either." Confused, the clerk says, "What is it for?" "It's for my little Schnauzer." "Use the lotion. But don't ride a bike for a couple of days." Why can't worms dance? They don't have any balls. Why don't roosters wear boxer shorts? Their peckers are on their faces. What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's dick. Why do male rabbits fuck so quietly? They've got cotton balls. What do you call a group of rabbits all jumping backwards in unison? A receding hare line. Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey? Because Kermit loves sweet-and-sour pork. Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can. Why did the horny rooster cross the gymnasium? He heard the ref was blowing fouls. What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? Shake hands. Why don't lobsters play well with others? They're shellfish. A worm comes up from a hole and sees another worm. He says, "Wanna fuck?" "I'm your other end, dipshit." "What's the most unusual pet you have?" asked the lady. "I have a frog that," said the pet store owner, "loves to eat pussy." "I'll take it." She's back the next day, "I want my money back." "Why?" "He didn't eat anything except some flies." "You must be doing something wrong. Let's go to your place." They do and he says, "Show me exactly what you did." She takes off her clothes, sits on the bed and places the frog in front of her twat. Nothing. The guy picks the frog up, hands it to the woman. He kneels in front of her spread legs and says to the frog, "This is the last time I'm going to show you." An American is touring Scotland by bicycle when he sees a man with his kilt hiked up, fucking a sheep. The American stops and the Scot says, "What are you staring at, Yank?" "We have sheep in our country, but we don't do that to them." "What do you do to sheep in your country, laddie?" "We shear them." "Get your own; I'm not shearing with nobody." Many many many more filthy, x-rated animal jokes inside...



  • Condition: --
    HPB condition ratings
    • New: Item is brand new, unused and unmarked, in flawless condition.
    • Fine/Like New (F): No defects, little usage. May show remainder marks. Older books may show minor flaws.
    • Very Good (VG): Shows some signs of wear and is no longer fresh. Attractive. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    • Good (G): Average used book with all pages present. Possible loose bindings, highlighting, cocked spine or torn dust jackets. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    • Fair (FR): Obviously well-worn, but no text pages missing. May be without endpapers or title page. Markings do not interfere with readability. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    • Poor (P): All text is legible but may be soiled and have binding defects. Reading copies and binding copies fall into this category. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    Conditions Guide
  • Format: Paperback
  • Sold by: --
  • Language: English
  • Publisher: Createspace Independent Pub
  • ISBN-13: 9781490419459
  • ISBN: 1490419454
  • Publication Year: 2013
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HPB condition ratings
  • New: Item is brand new, unused and unmarked, in flawless condition.
  • Fine/Like New (F): No defects, little usage. May show remainder marks. Older books may show minor flaws.
  • Very Good (VG): Shows some signs of wear and is no longer fresh. Attractive. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
  • Good (G): Average used book with all pages present. Possible loose bindings, highlighting, cocked spine or torn dust jackets. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
  • Fair (FR): Obviously well-worn, but no text pages missing. May be without endpapers or title page. Markings do not interfere with readability. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
  • Poor (P): All text is legible but may be soiled and have binding defects. Reading copies and binding copies fall into this category. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
Conditions Guide
HPB condition ratings
  • New: Mint condition or still sealed (SS). Absolutely perfect in every way. New.
  • Fine/Like New (EX): No defects, little sign of use, well cared for. Plays perfectly. Close to new. Not necessarily sealed or unused, but close. Could be an unopened promotional or cut item. Sometimes called: mint-minus.
  • Very Good (VG): Will show some signs that it was played and otherwise handled by a previous owner who took good care of it.
  • Good (G): Attractive and well cared for, but no longer fresh. Minor signs of wear, scuffing or scratching, but will play almost perfectly. For vinyl: barely detectable crackles or pops.
  • Fair (FR): This item is in okay condition. For vinyl: good is not so good and the record may have low level crackles or pops when playing. CD: one or more tracks may skip.
  • Poor (P): Obviously well-worn and handled. Most vinyl collectors will not buy good or below, but some tracks on CD or vinyl will play.
Conditions Guide
HPB condition ratings
  • New: This movie is unopened and brand new.
  • Fine/Like New (EX): Near new. No defects, little sign of use. Plays perfectly. Not necessarily sealed or unused, but close. No skipping; no fuzzy or snowy frames in VHS.
  • Very Good (VG): Attractive and well cared for but no longer fresh. Minor signs of wear, but will play almost perfectly. For VHS: barely detectable distortion or very few fuzzy or snowy frames.
  • Good (G): This item is in okay condition and basically works well. There may be some minor distortion on VHS tape; slight scratching or wear on DVD.
  • Fair (FR): Basically plays, but may be obviously well-worn with some scratching or tape distortion.
  • Poor (P): Disc or tape is intact, but may be scratched or stretched. There may be skips or distortion or product defects.
Conditions Guide
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