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The Official Dirty Johnny Jokebook

The Official Dirty Johnny Jokebook


"Can I," Dirty Johnny asked his mother, "have some money for candy?" "What happened to the five-dollar allowance I give you every Saturday?" asked mom. "I've been giving it to the old homeless man in the park." Mom is so proud of her son. His charity and giving spirit; his humanity. She opens her wallet and hands him a five dollar bill. "I'm very proud of you Johnny, sharing the way you have been. But this money you keep for yourself. If you continue giving money to the homeless they'll never get a job." "But this homeless guy has a job." "Really? What does he do?" "Every Saturday morning, for five dollars, he sucks my cock." The sex-education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, "does anybody know what this is?" Dirty Johnny stands up and says, "It's a cock. My dad has two of them." "Your father has two penises?" asked the teacher. "Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." A pit bull chased Dirty Johnny up a tree. The owner came by and said, "Sorry kid. I was bringing him to the vet's to have his balls snipped. The operation will calm him down, this will never happen again." "I have a better idea, asshole," said Johnny. "Why don't you remove his teeth? I could see from a block away he wasn't going to fuck me." Dirty Johnny calls up the principal and says, "I'm sick and can't come to school today." "Johnny," asks the principal, "how sick are you?" "I just," says Johnny, "fucked my grandma up the ass is that sick enough for you?" "Okay class," says the teacher, "I'm going through the alphabet and I'm going to call on someone for the letters a, b, c, and so on. When called upon, say a word that starts with that letter then use that word in a sentence." Immediately, Dirty Johnny's hand is in the air but the teacher can't call on him because he'll say ass, then bitch, cunt, damn, excrement, fuck, goddam, horseshit, intercourse, jackin' off etc. Finally she gets to z. There's no swear word that starts with z. so she calls on Dirty Johnny who says, "Z. Zoo. Last summer I went to the zoo and saw an elephant that had the biggest fucking cock I have ever seen." The civics teacher said, "Class, I am going to tell you every attribute you need to have in order to be elected president of the United States." "Fucking liar," said Dirty Johnny. "That, ironically, is number one on the list." Dirty Johnny got an electric train for Christmas. He quickly assembled the train and began playing conductor: "All aboard, you assholes. All whores sit in the aisle seats. That will facilitate all the cock sucking you'll be doing today." "Johnny," said his mother, rushing in from the kitchen, "you turn that train off and sit in the corner for a half hour. Using language like that!" A half hour later Johnny switches his train back on and says, "Good day and welcome to DFJ railways. I hope you enjoy your journey; if there are any complaints about the delay in service you can talk to the fucking bitch in the kitchen." A behavioral psychologist devised an experiment to test how quickly children can associate color with taste. The experiment consisted of placing a bowl of Life Savers in front of a group of second graders. After a few tries the kids would say: "Red tastes just like cherry. Yellow tastes just like pineapple. Green...Lime, Orange...Orange." Then he gave them a honey Life Saver, but none of them could identify it. He said, "I'll give you a hint. This flavor is something your mommy calls your daddy." Dirty Johnny said, "Spit them out! He's feeding us assholes." Dirty Johnny says to his neighbor, "Mom's sick and I need $100 to check her into the hospital." "How do I know," says the neighbor, "that you won't spend the money on drugs?" "Fuck you," says Johnny. "I've got drug money." Many many many more sick and twisted Dirty Johnny jokes inside...



  • Condition: --
    HPB condition ratings
    • New: Item is brand new, unused and unmarked, in flawless condition.
    • Fine/Like New (F): No defects, little usage. May show remainder marks. Older books may show minor flaws.
    • Very Good (VG): Shows some signs of wear and is no longer fresh. Attractive. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    • Good (G): Average used book with all pages present. Possible loose bindings, highlighting, cocked spine or torn dust jackets. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    • Fair (FR): Obviously well-worn, but no text pages missing. May be without endpapers or title page. Markings do not interfere with readability. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    • Poor (P): All text is legible but may be soiled and have binding defects. Reading copies and binding copies fall into this category. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
    Conditions Guide
  • Format: Paperback
  • Sold by: --
  • Language: English
  • Publisher: Createspace Independent Pub
  • ISBN-13: 9781490419886
  • ISBN: 1490419888
  • Publication Year: 2013
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HPB condition ratings
  • New: Item is brand new, unused and unmarked, in flawless condition.
  • Fine/Like New (F): No defects, little usage. May show remainder marks. Older books may show minor flaws.
  • Very Good (VG): Shows some signs of wear and is no longer fresh. Attractive. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
  • Good (G): Average used book with all pages present. Possible loose bindings, highlighting, cocked spine or torn dust jackets. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
  • Fair (FR): Obviously well-worn, but no text pages missing. May be without endpapers or title page. Markings do not interfere with readability. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
  • Poor (P): All text is legible but may be soiled and have binding defects. Reading copies and binding copies fall into this category. Used textbooks do not come with supplemental materials.
Conditions Guide
HPB condition ratings
  • New: Mint condition or still sealed (SS). Absolutely perfect in every way. New.
  • Fine/Like New (EX): No defects, little sign of use, well cared for. Plays perfectly. Close to new. Not necessarily sealed or unused, but close. Could be an unopened promotional or cut item. Sometimes called: mint-minus.
  • Very Good (VG): Will show some signs that it was played and otherwise handled by a previous owner who took good care of it.
  • Good (G): Attractive and well cared for, but no longer fresh. Minor signs of wear, scuffing or scratching, but will play almost perfectly. For vinyl: barely detectable crackles or pops.
  • Fair (FR): This item is in okay condition. For vinyl: good is not so good and the record may have low level crackles or pops when playing. CD: one or more tracks may skip.
  • Poor (P): Obviously well-worn and handled. Most vinyl collectors will not buy good or below, but some tracks on CD or vinyl will play.
Conditions Guide
HPB condition ratings
  • New: This movie is unopened and brand new.
  • Fine/Like New (EX): Near new. No defects, little sign of use. Plays perfectly. Not necessarily sealed or unused, but close. No skipping; no fuzzy or snowy frames in VHS.
  • Very Good (VG): Attractive and well cared for but no longer fresh. Minor signs of wear, but will play almost perfectly. For VHS: barely detectable distortion or very few fuzzy or snowy frames.
  • Good (G): This item is in okay condition and basically works well. There may be some minor distortion on VHS tape; slight scratching or wear on DVD.
  • Fair (FR): Basically plays, but may be obviously well-worn with some scratching or tape distortion.
  • Poor (P): Disc or tape is intact, but may be scratched or stretched. There may be skips or distortion or product defects.
Conditions Guide
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